Concept #6 - Hosea 2 & 6, & 1 Corinthians 7
Healing the Stress Fractures in That Unique Bond
Who plans to have a short term marriage? Well, there may be some who seek high dividend alimony. But they are not as common as the headlines at the grocery checkout would make us believe. The normal person enters marriage with the desire and hope that their marriage will beat the odds and last. The rate for first time marriages to end in divorce is 1 of 2 now in our country. So if most couples intend to make their marriage last when they start, what happens? What can be done to keep that marriage together? This sixth concept is going to focus more on how to heal an imperfect or damaged marriage. The next concept will discuss how to keep a marriage healthy and growing.
The first step in healing a marriage is to understand that it won't end till death. Too many couples today, in my hearing joke about and use the 'd' word. Divorce will not terminate a marriage. As we have learned in concept 5, marriage is for a life time. The divorce rate went up as culture and the laws made it easier to divorce. Then with the misconception that remarriage after divorce was acceptable the 'escape hatch' mentality rocketed. When society understood that marriage was lifelong and that remarriage was not acceptable couples worked harder to make their marriage work. Divorce may be necessary for the safety of one of the spouses and/or children. But it is not a license to marry another. If you chose to marry someone else after a divorce you will have several spiritual, emotional and relational issues to contend with. You'll have to work even harder than before to make that marriage work because the rate of divorce for second marriages jumps to 67% while third marriages fail 75% of the time. In this case, practice does not make perfect. But God can still intervene and heal and help those who call upon Him.
1 Corinthians 7 is sometimes used as a Christian's excuse to let a spouse go. They will look at VS 15 which states, "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." But this does not permit remarriage! Those who try to justify themselves with this passage for remarriage totally disregard what the Bible says in VS 12-13 "To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him." Paul then concludes the whole matter with VS 39 which clearly states, "A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord." Both of these passages that form the context of VS 15 clearly point out that divorce is not plan "A" and remarriage is certainly NOT allowable!!
The basis to keep a marriage together is that the marriage IS kept together in God's eye. PERIOD. So couples must discover what they each must cease, must start, and must concede to make their marriage work. Concept seven will provide a variety of understanding and tools to help couples 'grow' their marriage past tolerance to that fire of devotion and fruitful joint ministry. To get to that desirable place of a living love there are some issues that must be addressed. They can be found in a lesser known prophet of the Old Testament called Hosea.
Hosea gives us the second step of dealing with the stress fractures of a marriage. While Hosea is dealing with sexual adultery, the principles here apply to other 'lovers' such as gambling, pornography, alcohol and drugs, and an over wrought passion for their career among others.
In the first chapter, God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute. Now this is not a good pattern for any of us to follow. This was the clear Word of God to make a point to the nation of Israel. I can only imagine that Hosea was not an eager suitor. His parents were probably worried about their son and his 'youthful' choice. When their grandchildren were born, I am sure they figured it was 'that woman's ideas to give them such unhappy names. But God had a plan in it all.
However, they probably restated their distrust to Hosea when his wife was found in adultery (chapter 3). The Lord gives Hosea a very simple plan of how to redeem his wife and bring her home in that chapter.
But it is in chapter 2:5-16 that God gives a more detailed description of what must be done to win the errant heart of a spouse as He describes what He will do for adulteress Israel. Let us take a look at that portion of Scripture to learn how to regain the heart of an unfaithful spouse and find unity in forgiveness.
The first action is to block his/her path.
The spouse thinks 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'
VS 6-7 So the Lord said, "6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. 7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.'
How can we block the path of an unfaithful spouse?
1. Prayer is the first step. The lack of praying together in the life of a couple opens many doors for Satan to enter into the lives and relationships of the couple. But if the spouse has no interest or 'time' for prayer, then the faithful one must get to prayer.
Do you notice how God says in VS 6 that he will use thorn bushes to 'wall' her in? Satan refers to such a hedge about Job. He complained he could not test Job because of such a barrier. The shepherds of Israel would build holding pens with such bushes to help them protect their sheep at night from predators.
Building such a hedge by prayer around a spouse will protect them, too by restraining them. Notice how the spouse will not be able find her way to pursue her 'lovers'. Nor will Satan be able to tempt her with further intrusions by such lovers.
2. This kind of prayer requires an inspection by God of the praying spouse's life. Prayer will not be heard by God when iniquity is valued in the heart. No spouse is 100% innocent. There are issues of bitterness, resentment, and selfishness that have been interacting with the unfaithful spouse's wrong attitudes and behavior. Clean up, healing, and forgiveness are crucial in the praying spouse if a successful hedge is to be built.
So in this time of prayer for your spouse, ask God if there be any harmful thing in you. Are there attitudes, misplaced priorities, habits, or spiritual issues in your own life that may cause your spouse to look to another for attention, understanding, support, or affection? Seek balance here and listen for God's voice and not Satan's condemnation. Perhaps your spouse may have suggested that there be such issues; albeit couched sometimes in bitter tones, sarcasm, or honest pleas. Has your spouse suggested seeking counseling some time ago and you brushed it off? Are they open to counseling now from a godly and wise child of God? If so, get it!
The best hedge that can be built around a 'wandering' spouse often begins in the corrections necessary in the 'innocent' spouse. Jesus did tell us to take the log out of our own eye before trying to remove the splinter in the other's eye. That is as true for marriage as it is in the church. Before going much further ask your spouse as well as a trusted friend if there be some hidden fault in you that hides in your blind spot. Encourage them to be honest and receive what is said with graciousness.
Too many couples wait too long to receive some simple help and guidance that could avert a tragedy in their marriage. Asking for counseling is a sign of wisdom not weakness.
The second action is to stop the enablement.
She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold- which they used for Baal. "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, and my new wine when it is ready. I will take back my wool and my linen, intended to cover her nakedness.
Many spouses enable their errant partner in their pursuit of adultery.
Cut off access to the family money. Do not cover for their work and relational obligations with false excuses. Close all joint credit and banking accounts so that you are not liable for their expenses. Remember, as Christians we serve a God of truth. His eye peers into the heart of all. Do not let your spouse drag you down the road of iniquity. Hold firm to truth and rightness. But do so with a heart that wants to benefit your spouse RIGHTLY!
The third action is to expose true motives, actions, and allow just consequences.
10 So now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands.
11 I will stop all her celebrations: her yearly festivals, her New Moons, her Sabbath days-all her appointed feasts. 12 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, which she said were her pay from her lovers; I will make them a thicket, and wild animals will devour them. 13 I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot," declares the LORD.
Holding firm to truth and rightness will expose the lewd and selfish actions and attitudes. Do not be their cover. Do not protect them from their family or yours. Do not excuse them to employer or friends. Most of all, do not protect them from the law. As I write this, I shake my head at the number of times a spouse or family member will ease the hand of God upon someone's life by 'bailing them out' of jail if not just trouble. It is that very trouble that God has allowed to bring that person's heart back home! To what degree had the prodigal son sunk to before he 'came to himself' and turned his heart back home.
This action also involves the return to home. Do not make the mistake of just accepting the spouse as if nothing ever happened. Something did happen! Something major and devastating to you and the marriage! There are consequences to bear. There are issues to resolve. There is healing to occur. There must be a demonstration of repentance (Luke 3:8). There are items, notes, pictures, and much more that may need to be cleansed from the house. Medical exams and counseling are mandatory. With sexual infidelity comes the introduction and possibility of HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Do not have intercourse until the tests are directly handed to you from the doctor of your choice. Be sure that there is a secure plan for all restitution and a clear method of accountability.
The fourth action is to lead the way to healing.
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. 15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor (trouble) a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. 16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master'.
While this requires a huge amount of internal toughness and resolve, you must be sure that you have the heart of God in mercy and forgiveness. God is both stern and kind (Romans 11:22). Speak tenderly. Listen carefully. You may learn a whole lot more about yourself than your self-righteousness would dare to hear. Do NOT let bitterness spring up within your heart. You will need, again, honest godly friends, who will give you tough but wise advice, call your cards and prayerfully support your decisions and actions.
An errant spouse will often be without a home. Note how God said He would 'lead her into the desert.' Do what you can to get the time off from employment or home duties to work through these many issues in a climate with no distractions.
Start looking for how God wants to make the Valley of Trouble (Achor) into a door of hope. Done with the Spirit of God for healing and restoration, this time of devastation can become the greatest moment of spiritual intimacy for both you and your spouse with the Almighty God who made you two as one being. While God desires none to have to experience such tragedy, He wants your hearts completely His even more. He will sacrifice your pride to gain your complete trust. And He is worth it all.
Hosea 6
Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence.
Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.
Seeking help from close friends who are godly, objective and honest can be a tremendous help. You do NOT need cheerleaders at this time for this purpose. You need true friends who are willing and able to wound you to heal you. As mentioned before, getting help for yourself and your marriage is a sign of wisdom and a humble heart. It is not a sign of weakness or failure. The failure comes from receiving all the help God gives through godly friends and counselors. Find someone who's marriage is a good model for you and who has a good understanding of the Word and the principles of life that it addresses.
God is not in the business of dismantling marriages and permanently destroying lives. God may tear us to pieces, but He will heal us. God may injure us but He will bind up the wounds for healing. Just like a surgeon may need to lance infected pockets of puss to get the healing process going so God must rip open old wounds that never healed and reveal the broken hearts to rebuild healthy ones.
So when you are both at the place that you want God to work, find a retreat center like Fair Havens or Chalet Retreat to get away from the tempting relationships and the crush of work. Spend time in the Word together and get on your knees together for prayer. Press on faithfully and diligently to get to know God better, to let Him address the splinters and cracks in your marriage, and to restore that loving devotion for one another. Building good communication skills with right attitudes takes a lot of work and practice. Plan to spend all your vacation time for that year as a worthy investment into your marriage.
You only have one marriage in life unless you outlive your spouse. So give your marriage your best, your honest input, and your humble reception of correction and growth. Remember the vows you made to your spouse. Although they vary now days in their wording, their intentions are the same.
Your spouse is THE ONE you vowed to cherish and enjoy and bless all the days of your life.
Your spouse is THE ONE you vowed to stay with through the worst of life as well as the best.
Your spouse is THE ONE you vowed to care for when they are down.
Your spouse is THE ONE you vowed to prefer above all others.
Your spouse is THE ONE God has joined you with to become one being for this life time.
Your spouse and you are the image of the Triune and holy God.
What can you do with your spouse to develop and maintain a growing and healthy marriage? we will learn about that in Concept 7...
C. 2011 Pastor Tim Carpenter
